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For me as a woman in my late 30s, I’ve always believed that good manners is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a fulfilling life, I’ve faced very poor self-esteem. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and doubting myself has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Often, it happens so automatically that I’m barely noticing of it. It originates in anxiety and has influenced both my private and work life. It irritates my family and friends and workmates, and then I get annoyed when they point it out—which only increases my anxiety.

Presenting and Questioning

This excessive apologizing is especially concerning when it comes to speaking to others or making inquiries in front of people. I try to have a script to stay focused and avoid anxious tangents, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an starting scholar in political science, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through facing fears, such as leading sessions and forcing myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing humiliations from established male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I return to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I don’t think I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still value life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to curb the constant apologizing. I’ve learned that counseling might support me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used correctly. Too infrequent or too much, and you place a burden on others.

Finding the Source

A therapist might explore where this compulsion comes from. Inquiries such as, “How young were you when this began?” or “Was it self-inspired or learned from someone close to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once helped us become unhelpful in adulthood.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as holding yourself back. You are aware it bothers those around you, yet you continue it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on being rather than striving. Much of helpful sessions is about self-reflection, not just addressing problems. A experienced counselor will gently challenge you, offering a safe space to examine and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a interpersonal focus with a humanist therapist might be more effective. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you judge, ignore, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your confidence can develop from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing ingrained patterns is difficult, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by reflecting on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an effort to avoid discomfort or being seen, by admitting perceived flaws before others do. This can create a vicious circle of frustration and nervousness.

Even thinking things through can be beneficial. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel heard without you taking responsibility.

This approach will take persistence, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a significant first step toward improvement.